Is it possible to pinpoint the moment a connection breaks? Obviously, I don’t mean actual physical bonds but more intangible relationships. I feel like I came upon such a moment tonight.
For years now, I have carried a constant internal struggle trying to reconcile my personal beliefs and understanding of the world with the spiritual and religious beliefs of my family. I was born into a family where faith and religion were paramount above everything else and being raised under such conditions was an interesting experience, for lack of better terms. While I had, and continue to have, some issues with what I was taught and instructed concerning faith, religion, and spirituality, I know that I would not be the person I am without those formative years.
However, the more lectures and sermons I hear from the pulpit, the less connection I feel with my once familiar faith. I have not lost belief, at least not yet, but I question the legitimacy and intelligence behind the words and scripture my family and loved ones clasp on to. I honestly believed that I could compromise my family’s beliefs and faith with my own along with my skepticism and acceptance of science, reason, and logic. I never considered my curiosity and skepticism to be a negative though I could always tell that my family preferred a ‘no questions asked policy’ on certain topics, or at the very least an ‘ask but understand that the answers are set in stone regardless of what you say’ policy.
Tonight, something just snapped. After listening to the preacher, I could see the eventual fracture that was going to occur between myself and my family. I know that their faith is monolithic and uncompromising whereas I am not as unwilling to discuss and debate. Further, i can see no real reconciliation on our disagreements over the differences we see and have concerning faith and belief. I wish I could believe that there will be some sort of ‘happy ending’ to all this, but I know that is most likely not in my future. I suppose that for now I will hold off on the inevitable and be content in the knowledge that whatever does happen I will always love and care for my loved ones unconditionally, even if they do think I will probably burn in hell.