It’s been almost a month since I have written here and I am rather ashamed of that fact. I have been in limbo trying to get a job with no luck yet and that has definitely had some effect on my willingness and ability to put in effort into this blog, but in reality I am still just not sure what to do with this space. Also, if I am being completely honest, I am just scared. Pretty much my entire life my secret dream that I would only share with those really close to me (yeah I understand the hypocrisy of writing this on the internet, the most public of spaces, but most of those who will ever read this are still basically abstract concepts to me and not “real” individuals and my blog my rules so whatever) was that I wanted to somehow write for a living. I did not expect international success, notoriety, or even immense wealth from writing as those that ever achieve such measures are a lucky few. I did however hope, in the back of my head, that maybe I would be able to make a living off of writing. Nothing too major, obviously; possibly working at a publishing house, magazine, or even managing to publish a book with a small press. Just enough to pay some bills and support a family.
Of course, this seeming pipe dream also fuels most of my major insecurities and worries about writing; even on this simple site few will ever read. After all, what if I am really just a horrible writer with no voice or skill? What if I have nothing to say or no real stories to tell? What if everything I put out is just torn to shreds not by random internet trolls latching on to something to hate and deplete of beauty and joy but by people who actually have a rational and reasonable opinion because my stuff is shit? (Not the shit as that would be a wonderful thing). These are the constant thoughts that go on in my head while I stare at a blinking cursor on my laptop fingers poised to type what I am sure is going to be a waste of time and effort. Half the time I force myself to either save or publish a post or writing before my hand moves to delete the whole thing. So for anyone who has found a grammatical, syntactical, or simple spelling error in these posts, that is basically why. Also, fuck off. Like seriously why would you focus on errors when I try to write honest thoughts and emotions for you to consume for free? Hypothetical jerk.
Anyhow, I wrote this for a few different reasons: 1. I heard/read from someone that i actually admire, and would love to emulate, about the power of writing things down. While it sounds like some weird new age, zen bullshit, I have to admit that writing stuff down does seem to place weight and legitimacy to the abstract. I actually feel somewhat different after writing that so maybe it works…I don’t know but I’ll definitely keep trying this whole writing thing. 2. I want to start writing consistently. I am going to try to post more to this blog, but I also am going to write more in general because I think I need to. I know that sounds weird or somewhat idiotic yet it really does feel like it is something I have to do. I don’t know if I will ever make a dime off of writing or even be remotely successful in any measurable way, but I feel better whenever I manage to finish a short story or even one of these posts. So, I am going to keep writing no matter the eventual outcome. 3. I wanted a concrete record of these feelings and ideas, again writing things has power, as a contract/promise to myself.
However, i also want to have some sense of order to this blog so I will try to have specific post for certain days. Don’t know how it will quite work yet, but I think each day will have a theme for a post (this one feels more like a Tuesday or Thursday kind of post). I will probably experiment with it for some time until I get into a rhythm.
I am pretty sure I had this before, but I really do hope you will bear with me and continue along with this odd experiment/journey. I will do my best and provide as much entertainment as I can. It will be an interesting ride. Well, that seems like a good place to end, so I guess I will.
The Sentry Gathers…